Breaking the Stigma Around ADHD with Dr. Kojo Sarfo

In this episode of the Men’s ADHD Support Group podcast, Marc welcomes Dr. Kojo Sarfo, a renowned comedian, actor, content creator, and mental health advocate. They discuss Dr. Sarfo's journey in the ADHD community, his insights on neurodivergent relationships, and the importance of mental health among men. Dr. Sarfo shares his experiences, from publishing his self-help book to navigating social media as a mental health professional, and underscores the impact of mindset and community support on personal growth. Tune in to learn valuable tips for managing ADHD and championing men's mental health.

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00:00 Introduction and Welcome

00:26 Meet Dr. Kojo Sarfo

01:48 Dr. Kojo's Journey with ADHD

05:09 Men's Mental Health and ADHD

16:26 Navigating Neurodivergent Relationships

27:49 Self-Care and Mental Health Tips

36:49 Upcoming Events

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Welcome
• 0:48 Meet Dr. Kojo Sarfo
• 2:10 Dr. Kojo's Journey with ADHD
• 5:31 Men's Mental Health and ADHD
• 18:00 Navigating Neurodivergent Relationships
• 29:23 Self-Care and Mental Health Tips
• 38:23 Final Thoughts and Upcoming Events

Transcript

  Introduction and Welcome

   All right, we are officially live. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the men's ADHD support group podcast. Very excited about today's guest. Before we get into today's guest, for those who don't know of us, the men's ADHD support group is a 501c3 nonprofit, where a community of men with ADHD dedicated to empowering and educating our community members and really just breaking down the men's mental health stigma, especially when it comes to what we face with ADHD.

Meet Dr. Kojo Sarfo

Today's guest is Dr. Kojo Sarfo. To be honest with you, I think Dr. Kojo Sarfo is somebody that probably doesn't need an introduction. I mean, if you've consumed ADHD content on social media, you probably know who this man is. But Dr. Kojo Sarfo, for those who don't know is a comedian, actor, content creator, and writer based in Los Angeles, California, with over 4 million followers and 60 million monthly views on social media. 

He has five years of professional experience as a psychotherapist and a doctorally prepared mental health nurse practitioner with a background in inpatient forensic psychiatry and working with children with neurodevelopmental disorders. He utilizes these experiences to post skits, songs, and videos in order to promote mental health awareness.

That was a lot of big words. I'm excited that I said everything properly, hopefully. Dr. Kojo, welcome to the show.  

Thank you for having me. Thank you, Marc. I appreciate it. 

So,  it's honestly quite the dent that you've managed to, to make in the ADHD community. I mean, we met at the we met at the ADHD conference last year and I got to hear you speak and, you know, you, you kind of like delivered such an empowering message in a way that was funny and resonated.

And also, we got to hang out a little bit at a karaoke with some mutual friends and you heard me rap drop it like it's hot by Snoop Dogg and I'm still thankful that you decided to go on despite me doing that. But I mean, it's, it's quite inspiring everything you've managed to done to do. And I'm just curious. 

Where did this all, 

Dr. Kojo's Journey with ADHD

where did this all start with you? Like what brought you to wanting to have this type of impact, for just people who are neurodivergent in general?  

Well, Marc, first and foremost, thank you for having me in the podcast. It was, it was amazing hanging out.  everybody in Anaheim.

And, it's funny that you mentioned the karaoke afterward because I remember that more than the actual keynote speech, which goes to show how important community and having fun is. I think we underestimate the concept of fun and that is needed. And to answer your question,  probably when I released my first book, I think that's when this all kind of started. 

My first book was called You Already Won. It released  September 2019, and they had about maybe nine or 10 chapters, and the eighth chapter had to do with, me having ADHD, and I wrote the book, I had the whole, it's self published, so I had the book written, and I had kind of highlighted chapter eight, I was going to throw it out, because I didn't want people to know that I had ADHD, you know, because of the shame that comes along with it, and I wasn't seeing other people  You know, talking about their experiences online.

So I was sort of looking for the version of me like what I'm doing now to be out there. And there, you know, there weren't any voices and, it just kind of had to do with me caring about people's opinions. At the time, I was also an instructor at Augusta University and, there was a rumor on campus that I was on, on coke.

I don't think I mentioned that in a lot of interviews because I was doing all these different things. So people would wonder how can Kojo do this and that and this and that, and I had started taking medications for ADHD around that time. So I was finally able to kind of You know, have multiple things going on and I realized that it's a shame that prevents us from, you know, talking about this and, there was a good buddy of mine who told me about his experiences, which led to me getting diagnosed.

I thought that was a beautiful process. How just talking to him enabled me to make a life changing decision. So I decided to leave in the book and a book is different video, you put it out there. It's gone to the world. People buy it. It's in their homes. You can't go back and rip out those chapters.

So, allowing myself to, you know, to share my story, in print form, I think was the catalyst. Because once it was out there, it was kind of like a secret. Like, alright, it's out there. People know it. Now I can move on in my life. And the response afterwards was it was overwhelming in a good way.,   

that's really amazing.

You know, it, it kind of reminds me of,  like my story a little bit. Sometimes we'll do this thing that may seem like a little thing in the beginning, and it ends up changing our whole lives. You know what I mean? Like, it was about, I think, 6 years ago that I entered the, the ADHD industry as a coach. And, at the time, it was really just It's mind boggling to me that, as you know, you know, boys and men are the ones that are highly diagnosed with ADHD, right?

Like we're the ones that, have millions and millions of diagnosis. We face almost the opposite issue of what women face. And, at the time at least, you know, it was, it was, it was mind boggling to me that although that was the case, there wasn't really any dedicated like safe spaces for men with ADHD.

So, like I thought to myself, let me just try out a little Facebook group called the ADHD men's support group at the time. And probably no one's going to join, no one's going to care, who knows. And years later, I mean, that's.  What brings us to the International ADHD Conference and we're reaching the 20K members.

 

Men's Mental Health and ADHD

And and on on that note,  I'm kind of just curious to hear your perspective on the on the men's mental health side of things. So, it's really  fascinating to me.

 That, you know, we have this standard on, on masculinity where we need to be characters of strength all the time that we need to be the providers and we need to be almost this 100 percent person.  And  on the flip side, we're kind of, we're taught as men  that it's. Not really like to talk about something like ADHD or to talk about your mental health problems that is something that kind of decreases your masculinity or makes you less of a man and all that. 

I'm just curious, to hear your perspective on  maybe how you resonate with that or have resonated with that in the past and how we can start, I guess, shifting that mindset that a lot of men unfortunately deal with.  

So ironically, Marc, I think the key is to to start like with ADHD. Once you start something and then it's in progress, you're amazed by the things that you've done.

You're like, wow, I didn't know that I could do all these things. I guess I just had to start. 

And 

for us, I think the goal is just to start because a lot of men aren't even opening up. So there's a men's ADHD support group, and within that group, you know that you've progressed a lot, and you've become, you know, stronger, and you have a better sense of self after being in this group and talking to other men like you.

But, even compared to the other men in the group, there's probably a couple of you all who still don't feel like you can really open up. So think about the men who don't talk to anybody at all. And I'll argue that there are more men that don't speak to anybody about their mental health, whether it's ADHD or not.

So I think the key is to position men to start. And, it's funny, I was watching Instagram video this morning about a guy who was contemplating, it was like a skit, he was contemplating whether to talk to his lady about, financial issues, job stress, and a couple of personal issues. And then his voice told him to just tell his lady, oh no, it's all good, it's fine.

And I was looking in the comment section and some of them were shocked that men feel this way. And sometimes women don't realize that they may,  based on their body language or what they say, what they've done in the past, they haven't created that safe space for it. So I think men have to start with men.

We're able to talk amongst ourselves in a support group. So we're able to talk amongst ourselves at football games. Surprisingly, when men talk shoulder to shoulder, instead of looking face to face. We're able to get deeper conversations. We can make more progress that way. I don't know why that is, but if you're like, in the car, or if you're walking and talking with a buddy of yours, you can be more open and more vulnerable.

So, sometimes as men, what is expected of us is different from how we're feeling. And sometimes that, the gap there makes us feel like we're not men. So we have to start with what we have, talk to the people that we have in our circle. And once we start opening up to fellow men, then you can get men to go to therapy or to talk to their wives or to their mothers.

But a lot of men go their whole lives without even sharing a single thing about themselves.

 What did getting started look like for you? 

 Getting started looked like  talking to,  talking to friends. And  what I'm saying now,  just talking to the guys,  it was never anything that I would tell a girl that I was dating or my mom or sometimes my sisters, but I could go more in depth when I was talking to the guys because we would play and pick up basketball and maybe one guy would say, Oh, it's crazy.

My girlfriend broke up with me or somebody said, Oh, I just got to lay off from my job. And then somebody else would say, Oh, I'm behind on school on failing a couple of classes. And then I'd say, Oh, wow. I'm, I'm overwhelmed. I have to take care of my grandma and all this stuff and I'm behind on school.

So it started with talking to other men, men that I didn't have to question,  what they thought of me.  I have to question what they thought of me, in regards to do they think that I'm weak? Do they like me? Do they think that I'm feminine for talking about my feelings? So just talking to David, Kevin, the guys that I grew up with, that was kind of the catalyst for me.

And of course now online, but it wouldn't have started if I didn't have those guys to talk to just, playing PlayStation or during a game of pickup basketball.  

Yeah, no doubt. My whole thought is,  and I want to be very careful with what I say, because I don't, I don't encourage. 

Looking at ADHD with with with a victimhood mentality, but more just looking at it from a realistic perspective and the realistic perspective is that living life with ADHD. We have like a T shirt that says it's on our website. I think but it's it says that ADHD is life on hard mode. Right? Like, yeah, like that video game setting and my whole thought is, is that yeah,  While that is the case,  we kind of just owe it to ourselves to have a mindset of like why not have my small circle that I pursue some of my challenges with, right?

Like it's been transformative for me to have someone like Shane as a friend and, people like John Hazelwood and others who do work in this community because I have like, while I know so many names, I have my small circle of friends that I can call when the highs are high. And when the lows are up and that that that power of community has been, so key to just keep me going and keep my head up independent of what I'm going through.

So, I just love what you said there.  Yeah,  yeah,  and. You know, one of the things that stands out for me is  just with having ADHD in general. I mean, beyond just like the, the, the issues with focus or executive functioning and whatnot,  people with ADHD  struggle with self confidence. Like, we have we have a member in our community who is.

Like in his 60s or something like that, and he just mentioned, you know, for the first time the other day where he's just getting to a space where he can, like, look in the mirror and genuinely appreciate himself, right? Like, that's, that's heartbreaking to me that a lot of people with ADHD can't relate to that.

But, you know, I look at someone like you and, you know, where you have such a large following on social media, you've been on all these large platforms and everything like that.  And. I'm very inspired by the confidence in which you've managed to obtain in your own life. I guess my question is for you is what has been some of the the key factors to  to get you to like where the level that you are right now where you can confidently speak in front of thousands of people daily almost. 

Yeah, so there's a rewiring that has to happen in your brain.  That's a continuous process that I'm always working on, because when you accomplish something that you set out to do, the human brain does a thing to where, you know, you said, I want to publish a book,  you publish the book, sometimes instead of feeling that accomplishment.

For a lot of us who have ADHD, you feel relief, like,  I got it done. And then what you don't see,  which is what happens is that the bar  raises, you It gets higher and higher. So I'll do one thing, and then I'll be happy slash relieved, but then the bar gets higher, and until I'm able to, you know, address that gap between where I am and where I think I should be, sometimes you don't feel good.

So I had to rewire my brain to appreciate the small steps and the small tasks. And when I say small tasks, it's almost like an oxymoron, because sometimes, sometimes one thing can be really difficult. 

Whether it's taking out the trash or even just folding the clothes, get them out the dryer and fold the clothes. These things can be so difficult to accomplish. So I have to, I have to be my own biggest cheerleader. That's why I do what I do a super small thing. 

Relatively speaking. I'm proud of myself and I take the win. I count up all the small wins now and there's no difference in being on the today show or getting a million views versus. 

Right. 

Cleaning  my room, because everything in my, my brain feels like it's difficult. So, it's just more so of finding out what I'm afraid of.

So it's a lot of deep inner work. I figure out what am I afraid of? And when I have identified what I'm afraid of. And I have to run towards that. And sometimes you can't really run towards it. Maybe we can just take small steps because the confidence comes from repeated self achievement when you do what you said you're going to do.

That's how you become confident. But, you know, with us, sometimes we follow our mood and not the plan. So, we go off into a different path and then we can't trust ourselves because we've learned that we are reliably unreliable.  So for me, I build up, you know, small, accomplishments and over time and, I spend a lot of time on myself.

I think a lot of neurodivergent people do that, but I spent a lot of time on myself and I assess things that  prevent me from believing in myself.  And this, this, I guess this is the downside of it because I've had to walk away from certain relationships where, you know, I thought she was amazing. I thought we had a future, but.

When there's a lack of belief in  either me or where I'm trying to accomplish, it is a deal breaker because then that permeates into my thought process. And, you know, once your mindset is not. It's all about mindset. If your mindset is healthy, I think that's the best thing you can have in 2025, a healthy mindset.

But regardless of how talented you are, how smart you are, how good of a speaker, if your mindset is not in a certain place, you can't utilize any of that. So it's having to be mindful of my environment.  Around me and to walk away from certain friendships and relationships when there's that fundamental lack of belief in  who I am, or if there's any questioning and sometimes it may be self sabotaging, but I have to keep the belief up once the belief is gone. 

You're you're cooked because the belief leads to audacity and audacity leads to you doing things over and over and that's how you become competent.  

100%. No doubt. Yeah. And also I feel like the content that you consume on social media matters a lot too. You know, like I'm very  like social media as a subject that.

Kind of gets me triggered sometimes. I don't know if you feel the same, but one thing that's very common in the mental health advocacy world is that I think social media tends to get demonized a lot. And I can understand why, right? Like, if you're using, social media to. Follow other people and maybe compare your lives to to to them.

Or if you're following people that just bring you down, then absolutely social media can be a horrible tool. But,  you know, and obviously you do have to moderate it regardless, but. If you do, if you make a decision to like, say, I'm going to consume less content from people who bring me down and more content from people like yourself, people who educate me and, people who I resonate with, then to me, it could be such a positive tool.

I mean,  you, you've come across a lot of people, I'm sure that discovered that they might have ADHD through a post of you dancing to a song where. You know what I mean? Like that's that to me is is really, really amazing tool. So to me, like when it comes to like the whole conversation around mindset, I do think that the content that we feed ourselves really, really needs to be something that we're, we're mindful of. 

On speaking of social media and your work,  you talk a lot about, you've done a lot of posts and please forgive me  if I'm wrong here, but. 

Navigating Neurodivergent Relationships

I've noticed you've done a lot of talk about, neurodivergent relationships. Now I'm in a, I'm in a relationship now where, it's going really well.

But my my girlfriend, really resonates with a lot of autism traits. And I think that's something that you and I have in common where we're attracted to, to women with autism. I think you talked about that before, 

but, 

It's been  so fascinating, like, navigating, like, the differences between, like, autism and ADHD.

Shane's actually somebody who falls into the ADHD category. Fun fact, but  I'm just curious to hear your perspective on, like, Maybe what are some of the insights of the dynamics of those type of neurodivergent relationships, like what's important for them? I know I'm going pretty general with that question, but, like what, what do you, what do you have to say as far as like what that experience is like? 

I think the first thing to keep in mind is obviously we know autism to be a spectrum, correct? But I don't think a lot of people look at ADHD that way, and I think we should. Because with ADHD, you have the inattentive side all the way to the hyperactive slash impulsive, then you have the combined, so you can have two people with ADHD who are completely different.

Likewise, with autism, you can have two people who are autistic who are completely different. So, when you have ADHD and one other person has autism, they may be familiar with what the other looks like, but they don't know how it presents in you.  So I think it's important to understand how does this condition impact your life and how does it impact your ability to communicate because a lot of issues come from communication,  not not being able to convey your message or not correctly understanding what the other person is saying.

So, I think with ADHD and autism, the good thing about it, and I think the reason why I love. People who are neurodivergent or have ADHD prefer to date somebody who is autistic or somebody like them is because there are fewer things that have to be spoken.  Like coming back from a trip, if you come back from a trip with your girlfriend and y'all are already tired.

You can drive from the airport back home and not say a single word, and you get inside the house and there's no argument. Whereas, in a neurotypical relationship, you know, your girlfriend might say, Did I do something wrong? Like, is there a reason why you're not talking, Marc? You haven't spoken all morning.

Yeah. 

Some of us are not verbal until 11 o'clock. We don't have anything to say. We're just, we're just thinking. We're just existing. And there are a few words that have to be spoken. And nowadays everybody's, you know, people throw around the word love loosely. I love you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this. I love that.

I love the Chiefs or whatever. But I think one of the deepest forms of love is understanding. Or at least attempting to understand somebody on an intimate level. And  there's a crisis, right now going on with community, but there's also a crisis with intimacy. And I'm also talking about outside the context of a, romantic relationship.

Right. So now just having a buddy, you can call up and say, main man today. I was depressed. I didn't do anything, but I got the dog out for a walk and somebody who cheers you on that intimacy. We're missing that. I don't think it's been the same since covid. Something happened and I can't point a finger as to what happened, but something happened to where we've been a bit more detached.

So romantically and also just from a interpersonal now. Perspective. We're not as connected. So having that deep intimate connection with people, it comes from having these relatable experiences to where I can say something about being late, or I can say something about forgetting to pay something. And then I have to pay twice. 

Last month, December when we were kind of like, it's going slower to end the year, I missed appointment with my psychiatrist to refill my ADHD meds. And it's funny how you have to take a pill to remind you to take a pill the next day to remind you to get to the appointment. So I forgot that when you miss appointment with the psychiatrist without giving a heads up, they charge you for the appointment. 

So I got charged for the appointment and I had to make another appointment the following week. So I'm getting charged twice and I had to just laugh about it because it wasn't about that one time that it happened. But that type of thing happens like multiple times throughout the year to where I almost kind of expect it. 

If you're talking to a neurotypical person, and let's say you're budgeting, if I'm budgeting with a wife who's neurotypical and I'm saying, hey, hey, babe, I'm going to put aside some money here because I'm going to make some mistakes this year should be like, that doesn't make any sense. Why are you going to?

But I'd rather be surprised than disappointed because I know how my brain works. So, when you have, okay. People who have, different brains. Because a nation autism doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, just that you process things differently. So when you have a different brain, and you see the world from a different perspective, and the people that are around you see the world from that same way, it makes you feel a lot less weird, and it makes you feel more of a person. 

And I think that's 

the connection that we're missing, just in general.  Yeah, 

definitely. Yeah, and, and, on the, on the, I like the way you, you,  Word of the whole thing about just the neurodivergent relationships and like that natural understanding of each other, even though it could be a little different in some ways.

Like, one thing that me and my girlfriend did that was like a huge mistake. I don't know what we were thinking, but we went to, we were like in New York City, like during holiday season near like Times Square and everything like that. And the overstimulation was just wild. I mean, we just kind of like both looked at each other for the next day and just said, we're not going to say a single word or talk to anybody and just completely. 

And there's that natural understanding that I think a lot of, neurodivergent partners tend to miss.  You know, so,  um,  I guess like, I mean, my  question for you is because we get, we got a lot of men in the group who are going through like a really bad divorce or a really bad breakup and they're just in this heartbroken, state,  when we are ready to go back into a space where we're looking for a partner and having a healthy relationship, I mean, what are.

What do you feel are some of the important things to, to look for  and perhaps communicate?  

I think,  especially if you're going through a painful divorce or you've been repeating a cycle where you feel like you're dating the same type of person that's not good for you, especially as men. I think it's important for us to pause and to forgive ourselves first and foremost.

Forgive the other person if you can, because you forgiving them is really for yourself, not for the other person, it's for yourself. But before we go into another situation, it's important for us to forgive ourselves, because when we don't, we carry this guilt. With us, whether maybe we cheated or whether we didn't pay enough attention to our spouse or a partner, or maybe we were negligent, or maybe they cheated on us, or maybe we gave somebody a shot that we felt like we shouldn't have  trusted, but  it's important for you to forgive yourself because if you don't, you're going to carry guilt with you and guilt is not liking what you've done and that guilt turns into shame and shame is not liking who you are.

So now you go into another relationship, not liking who you are. So if somebody likes you, you're going to disrespect them inadvertently because you don't like, I don't like myself. So if you like me, how can I trust you when I don't like myself? So we're taking trauma from past relationships into the next one, and then, you know, you're dealing with rejection sensitivity as somebody with ADHD.

And, we're men, so we're dealing with how things should be and the expectation of  what is expected of a man? So all that's going to be difficult to to manage, especially as you're trying to get into another relationship. So I think it's important to pause for a second and to check in on yourself.

Make sure that you've done the work to emotionally set yourself up with a good foundation to move on to another relationship. And I think that, it's important to face the trauma head on, and I would caution men, against just hopping into another relationship right away. Or, like, just sleeping with as many women as possible.

Just, you know, I feel like that's a canon event. In fact, I can use Gen Z lingo here for a lot of us where we're like, alright. She broke my heart. I'm going to go on a rampage or whatever, but that's just delaying the emotions that we should be facing. And with ADHD, we tend to feel things a little bit later on anyway.

So it's like a double whammy. So I think it's important for us to pause and check in on ourselves and really see how, we're feeling. And if we're not ready to get back into a relationship, then that's fine. Because what you're looking for is you're looking for.  You want to get yourself back again, but sometimes the way that we access different parts of ourselves are through somebody else, right?

So it's important to just pause for a second and just understand that it's okay to have a fair relationship is okay to go through a divorce. Divorce is one of the most painful things that a human can experience because you're grieving somebody who's still alive, who may be taking your money, who may not give you access to see your children.

Thank you.  It's almost like an emotional death by a thousand cuts. So checking in with yourself and having a support group of men, a place where you can go without any judgment, is going to be  key. And once again, I believe that this goes through men because, like, in the neurotypical and neurodivergent worlds, There, there are differences in communication because we think differently.

So likewise, men and women are not the same. None is better than the other, but we're not the same. So as men, we will see things a certain way and it can be very difficult for women to see things a certain way. So expecting a woman to view the world the same way you do is not realistic, 

right? 

The path to that freedom emotionally is confiding in other men.

And and realizing that your struggle is not a singular thing and that there are other people who are going through it and that you will be okay,  

definitely 100%. Yeah, it's important. And especially like, if you're actively like, in the relationship, and you're going through a struggle, which is bound to happen, by the way, even to the healthiest of healthiest relationships.

It's true. What I found is that, emotional dysregulation is a thing  for us, right? To say the least, and, there are moments where, like, I get, like, really, really, heated, and I go through, like, common things that, people with ADHD go to, go through in relationships where Like, I'm kind of somebody who puts all of my executive  functionings, I have a tendency to put all of my executive functionings into my career and I excel at that, but where things kind of like fall short is like things in my personal life, like, I'll work my ass off in a 13 hour shift, doing something,  but I'll, I'll, I'll miss out on the chores for a while. And you know, there's, there's that type of behavior often causes like some conflict in a relationship and, things to be said that maybe weren't meant. And what I've learned is when I'm, when I'm feeling like a certain way, especially when I'm feeling really heated,  that is probably not a time where I am to address the issue in the relationship.

That is the time where. I give Shane a call and rant about some things and cool off a little bit and then circle back to it, right? Like, so, like, having that, that core circle is, is really, really helpful. And in my experience, especially when it's other, other men who, who have been exactly where I've been and just get it, you know?

Right. Because what Let's 

explain what you have to do. 

Right. Yeah. And, and, and in turn, like, I ended up showing up back in my relationship more in a mentally healthy state and I communicate far more healthy and I'm willing to hear my other partner more as opposed to being stubborn. And I'm always right.

You know what I mean?  

Self-Care and Mental Health Tips

On the note of just like using the time to take care of yourself and, prioritizing your mental health, I'm always hear you giving advice to neurodivergent people, on like what to do, what the best practices are and whatnot. 

I'm curious to hear like a little bit more of like a personal, approach from you. And I'm just curious,  what does taking care of mental health look like for Dr. Kojo Sarfo these days?  

Great question. Great question, Marc. And for me, that looks like me not doing a lot of things. I know a lot of people focus on, oh, what do you do?

Do you do,  ice  baths or you dip yourself in the cold plunge or meditate? All that stuff can be helpful. And I do meditate. I do stretch. I do workout five or six times a week. And all that is extremely beneficial for my mental state. But nowadays, protecting my mental really looks like not doing a lot of things.

It looks like not indulging in, in drugs or alcohol, which is something that I've used to avoid feeling things, especially with a large platform and being perceived by a lot of people and messages coming from left to right. So I don't know my senses. I don't know my, my brain with  substances anymore.

At the moment, I'm not even dating because it's the same old cycle. You need somebody by,  you know, and as when you understand your relationship with dopamine and how you like to chase it, you have to pause and ask yourself, all right, what's the point and purpose of this? This is going to take a lot of time.

It's going to throw off my sleep schedule. And is it worth it? Am I trying to be intentional? With this relationship, or am I just looking for a good time? 

Right. 

So I'm putting a lot of intention behind my actions and my thoughts. So, at this point right now, I'm focused on  social media, my business, taking care of myself, my family.

So I've said no to drugs and alcohol kind of like they taught us in middle school. They were right, not dating at the moment, being very mindful of what I consume on social media. You mentioned that earlier  and consuming certain content will put you back mentally and our brains haven't  adapted to, 

how fast the phones are moving, right? Our brains are, it's going to take a while and we'll look back at this age. I predict that it may be 30, 40 years. We'll look back at this age as the, you know, the golden age of social media, but we'll have a lot more data on the negative effects of it. And you have to train yourself on how to use social media and how to avoid certain things.

I think as for men, it's important to decentralize your brain, okay? Because you go online and, you know, that's how, that's how they get you as a guy,  a pretty lady here, a fast car there. And with women, you know, it'll be a bag here, a trip here, this happening in Paris. So when the thing that you really want is presented to you in a very, you know, attractive way, it's gonna play on your ability to regulate your emotion.

And now we already know that we struggle with executive, dysfunction and emotional dysregulation. So now it's harder to do anything because your mind's here. You're not really focused. So for me taking care of myself nowadays is really just avoiding.  Things that don't serve me. And drugs, alcohol, intentional dating, and just really getting back to the core of who I am as a person, spending a lot more time with family, you know, figuring out how to spend some more time with my nephews and nieces.

They're growing up on the east coast. I want to be more involved with their lives. They have like actual personalities now and they're into different things. So this main time with family and getting back to the core of who I am. But I think that I know it's been extremely beneficial for me, to avoid certain things.

And I think that could be a cheat code for people to get ahead. 

Now, that's good advice for, for, for me to hear. I mean, Shane, Shane knows this about me. I, you know, that I, I tend to definitely,  overwork myself a little bit. You know, and a part of that does go back to kind of like old school, I guess, potentially toxic masculinity ways of thinking and whatnot, where I feel like I need to prove myself.

Subconsciously sometimes. I still do.  Yeah, no, I think I think a lot of us on the on the content creator sides or are guilty of like, needing to take our own advice sometimes. Yeah, I mean, for sure. But, you know,  having  having boundaries and.  Not overworking yourself and involves like not saying yes to everything that comes up, 

right?

Like 

there are moments where you just have to say like, no, I'm not going to do this podcast or which I'm thankful You said yes to us, by the way Or no, I'm going to do the speaking event or this project  Do you deal with ever do you ever deal with any like people pleasing tendencies that come about? 

With that,   like any potential rejection sensitivity things that you deal with, my question is, like, what is your relationship like  with saying the word? No,  

no, it's a lifesaver. It saved my life. I wish I would have said no earlier  and the people please in Tennessee's that, I grew up really struggling with.

I still have him from being honest. I still have him in some capacity, but it's gotten a lot better. But sometimes the only way for us to make a change is by suffering and you have to suffer and get to a point where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. And then, you know, in your burnout and in your despair, you realize that something has to change and that's what happened for me.

Saying yes to every single thing, the fear of missing out, wanting to be here, wanting to be there. So, saying no is, And I'll say that last year, probably at the beginning of last year, that's where I became  intentional with no, because I've been saying, I'm going to say no more, but then something will come up.

I'm like, okay, our after this, I'll start saying no more. But last year, I guess it got to a point where I was just so overwhelmed. And sometimes I still am now, but I have to say no to certain things, because I just, I can't commit to this. I don't know what is,  I don't know what this thing is about.  I'm not going to speak on behalf of this.

The White House asked me if I wanted to speak on  behalf of re election of the Biden Harris campaign when Biden was running. And they had all these policies. I'm like, I don't know any of this stuff. Initially I said yes, 

but 

I had to check it on myself. I just wanted  to be, I wanted to be on the billboard again.

I have to look deeper into myself and ask myself, why did you say yes to this? You don't know any of the stuff that was in that email. I didn't even read the email to be honest. I just clicked through and I had to go back and I'm like, all right,  why are we doing things? Let's put some intention behind certain things.

Let's say no to things that are not in alignment with who I am, where I want to go. And if I don't know about something, don't speak on it.  And a lot of anxiety comes from trying to talk about something online that you're not well versed in and then looking like a fool in front of a lot of people and that cuts into your other content.

So I have to check in with myself and ask, why am I speaking on something that I don't know about? Why am I participating in this activity that I don't want to do? Just, you know, to tell a friend, oh yeah, I'll go to this thing. I don't have the time for it. So things that I want to do that I don't have the emotional bandwidth for.

I'm saying no, I'm saying no to family. Hey, I can't come here. I can't do this  and you have to sacrifice in order to protect yourself. So it does suck. But the reaction you get, we tell certain people. No, makes you feel like you should have started  years back.  People, you know, you tell somebody no the first time, even with family, it's been very difficult, you know, telling them no, but now I'm a lot better saying, Hey, I can't be here.

I can't do this side business or something. I can't address. I don't know what's going on.  And then sometimes they'll feel like you're too Hollywood or you're, you know, you, you think you're somebody that, you're too big, but you don't care about those opinions when you've made mistakes before in the past.

Yeah. 

Right, I've 

done that. I've said yes to all these different things, things that I didn't know about. And then I'm trying to talk and I'm like, what am I talking about? Or things I didn't have the time for? And now I'm behind in my priorities or invested into, you know, friends, businesses, and I didn't know how it worked.

And then when you lose the money, I'm like,  I didn't know what this was the first place.  So staying true to yourself and saying no,  it's It's a   life changing type of perspective once you adopt that. And I wish I would have said no earlier. Honestly. 

Yeah, definitely.

It's also kind of like, like a radar, like, when you have boundaries. So, like, I mean, mind you, like, when you're setting boundaries, there's. There's also an argument for not being rude about it. Like, you probably don't need to say fuck. No, I'm not doing that stupid shit. Like, you could just say no.  Yeah, but if you're communicating boundaries, like, in a healthy way, and the other person has a, a misunderstanding about it, or speaks down on you about it, then that probably tells you that that's somebody that you're not.

May not be worth engaging with much like it's a good way. We talked about your circle the other day. It's a good way of finding out like who your real people are. At least in my experience. So yeah, there's that.  

Final Thoughts and Upcoming Events

But, yeah, it's been such a great, great chat, I guess, as we  get close to wrapping up,  you know, like I mentioned earlier,  we get a lot of men with ADHD that are coming from all different types of situations, whether it's a divorce in a relationship, or they just got fired from their job, like, really, really bad stuff, and they are just  looking for a different life, right?

They're looking to learn how to thrive and be comfortable with themselves, all these type of things. For somebody who may be listening right now that's in the position of just really struggling,  where do you suggest that they start?  

I would say if you're really struggling right now, the key is to start with Your mindset and  if you're struggling and you listen to this, you don't want to hear anything about mindset.

You want the problem that's ailing you to be fixed. If it's relationship issues, you want your relationship to get better. If it's financial, you want your job back. If it's, pain or a medical condition, you want it to go away so you can finally be free and, and live your life. But I would say to start with your mindset to do small things that help you convince yourself that you are confident.

So just following through on simple commitments to yourself, working out doesn't have to be lifting a whole bunch of weights, but just going for runs, you know, or just a walk, a brisk walk, 15 minutes a day, three or four times a week can make you feel a lot better. Who knew that going outside and touching grass would change your mood, but it does.

But I would say focus on your mindset. How can you be a bit more consistent to yourself? And if you can't find one thing that you can be proud of, I brushed my teeth today, I called a friend today, I spoke to my mother today because you have to find things that make you feel good about yourself because nothing changes until nothing changes, but nothing will change until your mindset and your perspective shifts.

So the small wins will help  bring about hope.  And hope is so important because, like I tell patients and people on social media, there's a window of hope that we all have, and those of us who wake up and decide to live every single day, we have, our window of hope is open. But somebody who is, you know, having suicidal thoughts or, you know, they're planning to, For a particular day to be their last day, that window of hope has progressively gotten smaller and for some people it's shut and once it's shut, then that's when you have those suicidal thoughts.

So I would say, do your best to keep that window of hope open, even if it's a online Madden League that you're excited about, that you play in with your friends. That's an important thing. Prioritize that. Relatively speaking, make, make some time for, you know, your friends if it's a relationship that's, you know, holding you back, you know, maybe talk to a counselor or figure out, do I want to continue this relationship?

What am I getting from the relationship? If it's, drugs and alcohol, don't try and  cut all of it out. You know, today, maybe go from four blends to two blends to one blend. You know, eight drinks to four drinks to two drinks a week, and then over time you will get better, but sometimes we frustrate ourselves because we want things too fast.

You want the problem to just disappear, and realistically speaking, it's not gonna work like that. You have to take small steps, and over time you'll be shocked by the progress that you make.  

Yeah, it's well said because there's a quote on small steps. That's always resonated me with me. And it goes small hinges swing big doors. 

Like, when I heard that, I was like,  so 

it's so true 

makes so much sense. It's it's it's how we get. It's how we get started. And there's, there's nothing wrong with we're starting off small. In fact, that's that's how we, how we all. Do it in order to get to success. So really well said, you know, I, most of our, our people already share your social media and videos all the time and our Facebook group and all that, but for the minority who does not know where your social media handles are, where to find you.

Where can people go find you if they want to connect more?  

I'd probably say the best place to find me would be, Instagram seems to be like the home for a lot of creators when it comes to social media. So Instagram, that's @ DrKojoSarfo, D R K O J O S A R F O. It's the same thing on TikTok, but it's (@DR.KojoSarfo) D R Dot KojoSarfo.

On Facebook as well, we're growing rapidly on Facebook. I'm really enjoying that platform. So that's facebook.com/drkojosarfo. YouTube, is YouTube slash Kojo Sarfo and then Snapchat, 'cause people on Snapchat too. It's, at DrKojoSarfo the same way that it is on Instagram. 

Awesome. And any fun, exciting projects you have going on that you'd like to talk about right now? 

So let me see. I know  no comedy dates planned as of soon, but we are  looking to get a neurodivergent comedy show going  with another comic. He's out of the country right now. So when he comes back, we'll plan that and have a date. We have a, mental health youth day in Los Angeles. I think it's May 4th or first week of May.

So we're planning to figure out how we can, at least for us, how we can incorporate our online community into doing something for the city, especially given the fact that we had, you know, we've had the fires this month and, 



 And that's on top of, the Hollywood strike and all the other stuff that's been happening, post COVID in LA.

So, I would say it's May 4th. We're looking to do something for Youth Day in Los Angeles, so we haven't come up with a plan yet, but I'm excited about what, will happen on that day. 

And I'm sure all that stuff will be shared on your social media and whatnot when, when that is, active.  

Right. And also next month, I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia on the 20th of February.

Cool. 

Do a talk, on suicide prevention. And then, the next day I'll be in Woodstock, Alabama, doing another talk, on suicide prevention at a town hall.  Those are coming up next month.  

Very cool. All right. Well, Dr. Kojo Sarfo, thank you so much for coming on the show today. This has been really fun. 

Thank you, Marc.