ADHD & Sex with Cate Osborn AKA Catieosaurus

Sex and intimacy are already complex topics, but when you add ADHD into the mix, things get even trickier. Executive dysfunction, rejection sensitivity, sensory issues, and communication struggles can all play a role in how we experience intimacy and relationships.

In this session, Shane Thrapp is joined by Cate Osborn (aka Catieosaurus)—certified sex educator, advocate, and author—to break down ADHD and its impact on sex, relationships, and intimacy. She shares insights on navigating mismatched libidos, sensory overwhelm, ethical non-monogamy, kink, and much more.

This event was hosted by the Men’s ADHD Support Group, a nonprofit dedicated to providing resources and community for men and masc-aligned individuals with ADHD.

📖 Check out Cate’s book, The ADHD Field Guide:
➡️ https://catieosaurus.com/the-adhd-field-guide

🔗 Explore more from Cate Osborn:
➡️ https://catieosaurus.com/links

📝 Yes/No/Maybe Couple’s Checklist by Sunny Megatron:
➡️ https://sunnymegatron.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/YesNoMaybe-SunnyMegatron1.pdf

❤️ Support the Men’s ADHD Support Group:
Your donations help us continue providing free resources, support, and events like this one. If you’d like to contribute more, you can donate here:
➡️ https://www.zeffy.com/en-US/donation-form/cate-osborn-adhd-and-sex-donations

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Chapters

• 0:28 Meet Cate Osborn (Catiosaurus)
• 3:19 Cate's Journey with ADHD
• 5:15 ADHD and Its Comorbidities
• 7:06 Understanding Proprioception and Interoception
• 8:38 The Impact of Rejection Sensitivity
• 9:39 Executive Functioning and ADHD
• 15:10 Consent and Communication in Relationships
• 22:53 Mismatched Libidos and Sexual Desire
• 36:20 Overstimulation and Distraction During Intimacy
• 38:38 Exploring Desired Feelings in Intimacy
• 39:12 Communicating Needs and Safety in Intimacy
• 41:04 Creating a Safe Space for Sexual Conversations
• 42:25 Using Yes-No-Maybe Lists for Better Communication
• 44:06 Addressing People Pleasing and Consent
• 46:14 Understanding Aftercare and Its Importance
• 1:01:50 Navigating Hypersexuality and Hyposexuality
• 1:05:02 The Power of Communication in Relationships
• 1:11:08 Handling Trauma and Setting Boundaries
• 1:14:48 Final Thoughts and Q&A

Transcript

Welcome everybody to the Men's ADHD Support Group. We are awesome.

And everybody's having fun today. 

We are joined by Cate Osborn, also known as Catiosaurus. Thank you so much for coming. And I really appreciate it. Cause I'm a huge fan. Go ahead and tell everybody about yourself and what you do. 

All right. Well, hi, everybody. Thank you so much for having me. like Shane said, my name is Cate Osborn.

I go by Catiosaurus on all corners of the internet, where I have sort of made my own job, teaching about ADHD, neurodivergency, and its impact on sex, intimacy, and relationships. I'm very excited. Legally, I can now say that I am an author. I have a book coming out in September called the ADHD Field Guide for Adults in which we are going to have a whole section, a whole chapter on sex and ADHD and hopefully book two will just be completely about sex and ADHD. I am also an advisor for Playboy Magazine and the first writer in history to specifically be on staff to talk about matters of disability and neurodivergency.

I'm very proud of that. And I am the host. of Sorry, I Missed This, which is a podcast about ADHD and its impact on sex and relationship and intimacy. I talk about like one thing on the internet or I play D& D. It's one or the other. and so yeah, so I'm so excited to be here. and today, as you can see from hopefully the slideshow that is, I'm just going to trust that it's behind me because I can't see that it's behind me, but I'm just going to trust, that today we're going to talk about sex.

so this is a talk that I have given many, many times, many, many different places to many, many different ages. But before we start, I always like to just ask the group to join me in being intentionally, mindful and kind and compassionate to each other.

So these are my rules for this workshop. the first one is be cool. The second is be nice. The third, no jerks allowed. If you are going to be a jerk, I will boot you, and I'm not even scared about it. number four, there is going to be a lot of laughter. There is going to be a lot of goofs. There's going to be a lot of, giggles and jollies.

I've never said that phrase before in my life, but here we are. but I truly believe that it's really not only Allowed it is okay and it is vital and it's important to find joy in conversations around sex and intimacy. And so please have fun with me today as well. and as one of my professors in graduate school always like to say, there's no such thing as a silly question.

but there are some potatoes. and so if you think that you have a potato in your pocket and you would like me to address that potato, I'm happy to do so. But I may look at you and say, that's a potato and we can talk about that another time. So feel free to ask as many questions as you like in the chat.

And Shane, I believe, is going to be helping me out in collecting those questions. I will be monitoring the chat. It's one of my guilty pleasures when I get to do the live stuff. So, if you've got a question, throw it up there and maybe I'll stop the whole show.

Who knows? We'll see what happens. Jolly's is the appropriate term to sex talk. You're so right. so you might be wondering why am I here? Who is this lady? Why am I here? 

And the, the story that I always like to open with whenever I talk about this topic, is that I got diagnosed with ADHD very late.

I got diagnosed the day before my 30th birthday, which was something of a trip, like surprise! Welcome to NeuroDivergence and, middle adulthood. And as I learned more about my brain, as I learned more about the brain body connection, as I learned more about myself, I got really, really frustrated because we weren't having a lot of conversations around the things that were authentically kind of bothering me.

And for me in my life, it was relationships. It was sex. It was intimacy. and so I went back to school to become a certified sex educator. And I very specifically, and I've told the story a lot. So for some of you, it might be a repeat. but very specifically, I remember I was in class and The teacher was talking to us about, what happens if sex gets interrupted?

What happens if, you know, you fall off the bed or like, you know, somebody gets bopped in the nose or something. And he said, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. You just got to tell your clients. It's not a big deal. The moment isn't pressure. The moment isn't precious. you don't got to worry about it.

Just jump right back in. And I was sitting there in the back going like, you know. that really doesn't resonate with me because I have ADHD and for me, every moment is precious because at any moment, that razor's edge of focus and attention and what I'm thinking about and what I'm doing in the moment can be right or not right.

At any moment, all of that can just disappear and I'll be left in a completely different headspace that I was 30 seconds before, and I started realizing how much neurodivergency, especially ADHD was being left out of the conversation and so for the past. Five, I guess six years. Gosh, that's crazy. Six years now, I have dedicated my life to talking about it and educating and advocating for it.

And so thank you all so much for being here and being part of this. and yeah, so let's, let's talk about sex, baby. 

the first thing that I always like to mention is that ADHD does not exist in a magical vacuum. Unfortunately, when we study ADHD, when we talk about ADHD, the general way that we talk about it is that ADHD exists in this box.

You get diagnosed with ADHD. You get diagnosed with autism. Good luck. Godspeed. Have a, have a good day. But for many, many people with ADHD, ADHD is not just ADHD. In fact, about 30 to 40 percent of people with ADHD, have anxiety. 20 to 30 percent live with depression. We are three to five times more likely to engage in self harm activities and three to five times more likely to attempt suicide.

we struggle with emotional dysregulation 50 to 80 percent more than other people. 75 to 85%, which legally I have to say 75 to 85, but the numbers, if you actually look at the studies are closer to like 97, but that's such a high number that people get bad when I say it, but like 75 to 97 percent of us deal with sleep issues, trouble staying asleep.

Falling asleep, getting quality sleep. we are two to four times more likely to be in car accidents, right? We are two to four times more likely to experience substance abuse disorder in our lifetimes. We are self medicators. We latch onto those dopamine things, right? So, For many people with ADHD, we're not just living in a vacuum with ADHD, we are living in a world in a rich tapestry of ADHD, and depression, and anxiety, and sleep issues, and so much more.

And yeah, but wait, there is more. on top of that, on top of what we have, comorbidly with ADHD, we also have, issues that affect the ADHD community as the whole. 

The first is proprioception. Which is basically knowing where your body is in space. A lot of people with ADHD tend to be a little bit clumsy, they can struggle with like running into the tables, they always have scrapes and bruises where they're not sure where they come from, that's proprioception.

Now the one that really surprised me when I really started, learning and delving into neurodivergency and its impact on intimacy was interoception, which is your body's internal signals. What's going on inside of you, right? Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Have I eaten today? Do I need to pee? Do I need to go to the bathroom?

Am I too hot? Am I too cold? And for a lot of people with ADHD, focusing on those things can be incredibly difficult. And so you're managing ADHD and anxiety and depression and a bunch of other stuff. And you can't remember if you ate. You don't know if you've had enough water today. Do you need to pee? I don't know.

It's a mystery. And so that's a lot to add onto the pile. Now, on top of that, we're just going to keep stacking the shoeboxes, but on top of that, we also deal with alexithymia. Now, alexithymia is not being able to really name or know what is specifically going on with us. so am I sad? Am I happy?

Am I emotionally dysregulated? Am I excited? Am I angry? What am I? I don't know, but I feel some kind of way and it's hard to name, right? So we've got proprioception, interoception, and alexithymia. And then on top of all of that, we have rejection sensitivity. 

I always like to talk about rejection sensitivity in this format. you may have heard rejection sensitivity also called rejection sensitive dysphoria. It kind of goes by both names in the community. I'm not attached to one or the other. I just say rejection sensitivity. and it's important to know that rejection sensitivity is something that is not.

ADHD unique. It happens to people all over the world with all different sorts of diagnoses. But the rates of rejection sensitivity in the ADHD population are very high. It's some studies say up to like 95 to 99%, okay? It seems wild to me, but that's what Dodson says, so I guess we got to listen to him, right?

So rejection sensitivity on top of all of that. So what am I feeling? Where is my body? What is going on inside of my body? And am I being, am I feeling particularly sensitive to rejection? Am I feeling particularly emotionally dysregulated around these ideas? Like that's a lot, that's a lot to handle, right?

But wait! There's still more. 

On top of all of that, ADHD is primarily a disorder that surrounds executive functioning, right? The things that our brain does to move us through the day, and I'm sure most of you being in this ADHD superb group, you know a lot of this, so I'm going to sort of Breeze through this part, but I just like to mention it in case somebody is new or just coming to this conversation.

Our executive functions are the things that get us through the day, right? So our emotional control, our impulse. control, our ability to organize, our ability to initiate tasks, to switch from one task to the other planning, prioritization, self monitoring, which again goes into that emotional control component, our working memory, right?

And then flexible thinking. Are we thinking in black and whites? Are we thinking in flexible thinking? Are we able to change our mind? All of that, surrounds the conversation of ADHD. Now, We often talk about ADHD in a really interesting way, I think, right? Because we talk about it as a spectrum.

And a lot of people look at that spectrum as like one being, Oh, I have a little bit, I have a little tiny bit of ADHD. And ten is like, wow, that guy, that guy has ADHD, right? But as I'm sure all of you know, it's much more. like this, right? It is a color spectrum. It is a color wheel, right? Where each person that we encounter with ADHD is going to have their own challenges.

They're going to have their own struggles. If you know one person with ADHD, you know one person with ADHD. We all have a friend with ADHD who is like serially on time, and we all have a friend who is serially late. Because ADHD is such an all encompassing disorder, there is a vast discrepancy between how the symptoms and how the struggles hit us and impact us in our own lives.

And so one of the real honest truths about being a person with ADHD is being able to recognize these places. What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? How am I engaging with the world? Where do I need support? Where do I need structure? people with ADHD thrive on internal structure, but creating that internal structure and sticking to it can be so difficult, right?

So only you know what's right for you. And so as we move into this larger conversation about ADHD and sex and intimacy, if you're like, Hey, this really works for me.

Awesome. Great. If you listen to everything I say and you're like, Actually, none of that will work and none of that applies to me. That is totally okay and totally valid too, right? I want you to take what you like, take what you need, and leave the rest. There are no judgments here. There is no expectation here that you come out of this workshop with your life changed.

But I do hope that you learn a little bit along the way. great! Okay, so now I'm super bummed out and everything is terrible. Okay, why have you done this? because all of this, all of these things that I just talked about, right, our executive dysfunctioning, if you will, interoception, proprioception, alexithymia, anxiety, depression, the large crossover between ADHD and autism, all of this also affects your relationships and your sex life.

And again, It's not happening in a vacuum, right? It is not happening outside of anything. Your ADHD doesn't magically disappear when you walk through the doorway to your bedroom and you're like, Ah, thank, thank God. It can't get me in here, right? It's like going to restaurants during COVID. Like, it can't get me if I'm sitting at a table.

So understanding your brain keeps you and your partners safe and informed, right? when we understand our specific struggles, when we understand our specific weaknesses and when we embrace and celebrate our strengths and unique skills, that is how we develop not only a successful relationship, but a rich and successful conversations around intimacy, but it's also how you get really good at sex. It's just how you get really good at sex. I'm just gonna say it. You get really good at sex. It's fine. All right, moving on. It's also not silly if it makes your life easier. Very famously, if you are a Catieosaurus OG, that has in fact been sampled into a rap song, which is one of my proudest accomplishments in this lifetime.

but yeah, it's not silly if it makes your life easier, right? The systems that we build, the structures that we build, they're going to look different. Maybe you're a person who loves to put your shoes in a pile. Maybe you're somebody who likes to put your shoes on a rack. Maybe you're one of those guys with like really, really cool sneakers.

And so you have the little sneaker slots. So you can keep them on display when you're not wearing them. All three of those are valid systems for organizing your shoes and keeping them where you need to be, right? I'm not going to come to your house and tell you like, well, I have a shoe pile. And so you're wrong.

And so we can apply that thought process. We can apply those sort of techniques to conversations around sex and intimacy. If you need a schedule sex, if you need to put a calendar reminder for sex, if you need to have a little note. Note app in your phone, reminding yourself like what your partner likes or dislikes.

It's not weird. It's not silly if it makes your life easier. And so, as we move through this conversation, think about those things. Think about those places where you can create systems and structures that are going to support you and allow you to be a more efficient seems like a funny word, but you know, a successful, a partner who comes to the table with active and intentional support and systems built in, in order to be the best partner that you can be 

one of the things that I also like to bring a lot of attention to is the idea of consent. 

and I really like the FRIES model of consent.

if you've never heard of it before, FRIES, F R I E S, stands for it's freely given. It is reversible. It is informed. It is enthusiastic, and it is specific, right? And if we have all 5 of those components, then we have a really solid model of consent, and we know that we are safe, and we know that our partners are safe.

Now, here's the thing, right? When we talk about consent, It's really interesting to bring consent up in conversation with rejection sensitivity, because I find in my work with ADHD clientele, and this is regardless of gender, that oftentimes we might say yes, when we mean no. We might not necessarily be enthusiastic or we might not be super informed about the type of intimacy that our partner wants to engage in, but we don't want to let that person down, right?

We don't want to feel like we're uninformed. We don't want to seem not cool and not kinky. And so we're going to say yes. But that isn't true consent, right? That isn't offering you a true, safe opportunity to learn and grow in intimacy. And so I always like to bring that up because it's something to really be aware of, not only for you, but also for partners that you may be engaging with, especially if they also have ADHD.

And so knowing how to actively and freely obtain consent to have those consensual conversations, but even more than that, making sure that you can support your partner and saying, hey, have we talked enough about this? Like, are you really feeling safe? Are you really feeling informed? You're not just saying yes, because you're scared that I'm going to get mad or something like that being a safe person and a safe partner in order to be able to do that.

That is so powerful and so important for true and safe and healthy intimacy. people with ADHD and again, this is gender nonspecific. I'm not talking about women. I'm not talking about men. I am talking about a group of people with ADHD are two to three times more likely to experience sexual assault than those without ADHD.

People with ADHD are more vulnerable to sexual coercion, due to our difficulties with impulsivity, emotional regulation, rejection sensitivity, and even to a certain extent in interpreting social cues. young people with ADHD are at double the risk of developing an STI or sexually transmitted infection than other people.

and those are serious, not fun statistics, right? Those are heavy, and those are real, right? And so again, when we talk about this idea of consent, this is why it's so important to be informed and to be aware of these issues. Learning how to communicate is learning how to advocate, not only for yourself, but for others in the ADHD community who may not have the opportunity or access to a wonderful support group like this, or other spaces where you can be in community with people, 

When we learn how to communicate, when we learn how to ask specifically for what we want, when we learn. How do you specifically delve into those touchy, rejection sensitive places? We're also learning how to advocate for ourselves and make sure that we are safe, we are healthy, our partners are safe, our partners are healthy, and everything's good, right?

Makes sense? Okay. a really great way to do this, because this is something that I had to learn, this is something that they don't teach you in school, right? Is how to check in with yourself and see how you are feeling. Oftentimes it's like, yeah, I feel fine, and then we kind of move on, right? But if we give ourselves a little bit more intentionality, if we give ourselves a little bit more space to feel and be safe in those feelings, what do I want?

Right now, what do I want? Right? Do I want sex? I'm going to talk about this a little bit later as well, but this is one of my favorite examples. Do I actually want to put my penis into a vagina? Or do I want intimacy? Do I want closeness? Do I want to feel held? Do I want to be the little spoon? Right? Am I safe?

Am I okay in this space right now to do this? Have I checked in with my partner? Right? Do I need anything? And this can be anything from, do I need water? Do I need a snack? Do I need accoutrements? Right? Like, Hey, would it be okay if I tied you up tonight?

yeah, sure. But we should probably get rope. Right. And then that last crucial component. How might my ADHD impact this? Am I making informed, safe decisions based on really authentically checking in, or am I impulsively saying yes to something? Am I impulsively being like, yeah, sure, let's do it. Leroy Jenkins.

I don't know anything about Shabari, but it'll probably be fine, right? We want to make sure that we are always proceeding safely and consensually. Practicing saying no is also an incredibly powerful tool for taking ownership of intimacy and taking ownership of our sex and intimacy as ADHDers. I feel, this is like, not scientific, right?

This is just kind of like my opinion, ma'am. but I, Generally find people with ADHD to be very affable, right? We tend to be very easygoing. We tend to be people who are agreeable and we want to give that like, yes, right? And I think that comes from that rejection sensitivity component of, you know, Being the person who's maybe late sometimes who's maybe a little loud, maybe a little bit weird, maybe you didn't fit in, you know, as a kid.

And so like you're eager to give that Yes. You're eager to say, to give that like, hell yeah. Right? But practicing saying no is another really, really great way to improve intimacy. And there's a picture of a glass of water here for a reason. I don't know if all of you were in the room when this happened, but earlier I asked my lovely partner for a glass of water, and he of course said, yes, of course, and he went and got me a glass of water.

But I felt safe in asking my partner for a glass of water because he's told me no before. He said, no, I don't feel like it. Go get your own glass of water or whatever, right? And you can do that. You can take low stakes moments. And practice saying no if no is a really uncomfortable thing for you, especially in rejection sensitivity, right?

I also like to make that an intentional practice, right? Like, today I'm going to say no twice. Or today I'm going to say no three times. Or, hey, I'm going to ask you five questions right now and I need you to say no to them so I know that I can feel safe receiving that no, right?

Does that kind of make sense? And above all, I think the last thing to keep in mind as we sort of go into like the more mechanics part of things is that, god damn, there's a lot of bummer statistics when it comes to ADHD and intimacy, like, I always feel like the just like the bastion of just like terrible shitty news, but the real truth is that sex is supposed to be fun.

Sex is supposed to be joyful. Sex is, you know, depending on your, on your opinions, and your beliefs, and your cultural beliefs, and your religious beliefs, all of those different things. Sex can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people, and that is okay. If sex means one thing to you and one thing to somebody else, it's all right.

But at the, the end of the day, sex should be joyful. It should be fun. It shouldn't feel Fearful, it should feel like an obligation. It shouldn't feel like something you're being pressured into doing just because like Your partner wants to and you have to right so holding on to that and figuring out ways to increase intimacy and make Your relationship and your intimate connections joyful and fun without necessarily putting the pressure on yourselves to like have sex That is a super important thing to keep in mind as we move forward as well.

One of the things that I get asked about a lot as a sex educator who focuses on ADHD and neurodivergency is the idea of mismatched libidos, right? And again, this isn't like a man and a woman thing, it is not a gender specific thing. We see this in all genders, all gender expressions. Which is, what do I do when my partner is really excited about sex?

And I'm not, or what do I do if my partner is the opposite, right? My partner is not super interested in sex, but I really, really would, I'm craving some intimacy. so the first thing that I like to talk about when I bring this up is there are different types of sexual desire. there's this really fantastic researcher.

Her name is Rosemary Basson. and she, before she started working, this is A weird science digression, but it makes me really excited, so I'm going to talk about it. Haha! you can't stop me from talking about science! Before Rosemary Batson, we had sort of this like, linear idea of sex, right? Where it was like, okay, I am thinking about sex.

I get aroused. I have sex. That was cool. End of thinking about sex. Until the next time when I'm thinking about sex and then I get aroused and I have sex. And Rosemary Bassin said no. For a lot of people, again, gender non specific, for a lot of people, sex is very different, right? And there are two different, there are primarily two different ways that people experience desire.

The first is spontaneous desire, right? Where you see a attractive person, walking down the street and you're like, damn, right? Thinking some, thinking some naughty thoughts. That kind of thing. and so that spontaneous desire, the desire for sexual intimacy comes sort of from the ether. You see the sexy person, right?

you read the spicy tweet or whatever, and just all of a sudden you're horny and you're turned on and you're ready to go. and so the interest in sex may precede physical arousal, right? So before you get an erection, before, you get wet, whatever parts you have, you're thinking about sex, and that will precede the specific moment of, physical arousal.

However, For people, broadly across the board, for people with ADHD, especially men with ADHD, we tend to operate from more of a responsive desire model, right? And so, the first thing to keep in mind is that that desire for sexual intimacy comes out in response to sexually relevant context, right?

So you might not be thinking, I don't know about you all, but like, I forget that sex exists as an option, right? I'll just, I'm just living my life. I'm just watching Netflix, whatever. And then, you know, I'm like, Oh, we could get pizza, could have sex. Oh yeah. It's pizza. Right. And so a lot of times because of that executive functioning that we deal with and that, And the, the issues that we have from task initiation and task switching, switching our brain from I'm working, I'm earning a paycheck, I'm doing all this stuff, to now I'm thinking about sex and I'm in this like completely different headspace where I can be vulnerable and intimate and all of that stuff.

That takes time! It takes fucking time, man! and it might feel like it takes a bit longer to develop, right? Especially because what do we see? This, I'm sorry, this is also like my rant, and so I'm just gonna give you like a little tasty five minute rant. What we see in the movies, in media, in pornography even, we see spontaneous desire.

We see somebody go, Oh, I would like sex now, please. And then sex happens, right? He throws her up against the wall and they have passionate sex, whatever. No, that's not, that's not what happens in real life. For a lot of people, men included, it can take 20, 30, 40 minutes. Especially if you are dealing with executive functioning issues, to switch from a headspace of like, I am, I'm here, I'm, I'm coming home from work, I'm de stressing, whatever, to now maybe, if the situation goes all the way exactly right, Maybe I can offer my partner the chance for arousal.

Maybe if everything goes well from this moment, I can then engage in an act of intimacy, right? and so physical arousal may precede interest in sex. Like, you might start feeling it in your body even sometimes a couple of days, right? Like, you kind of get that urge. You kind of get that, like, Hmm, I could, I could maybe, I could maybe go for some sex, right?

And then, but then that, again, that initiation, that headspace, it can take people literally days. It takes me a couple of days sometimes. Like, I'm, it's not an exaggeration. People think that's weird, but it's not. That's just how my brain works, right? Moving on. And so yeah, so what we see is that sex isn't like this linear model where we're like, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

Rather, intimacy, especially emotional intimacy that can lead to physical intimacy, they are connected in this kind of like circle of life, if you will, right? it starts with emotional intimacy. and you can sort of jump in anywhere on this wheel, but emotional intimacy is often what we find is the biggest thing.

If you can create emotional intimacy with your partner, which is different than sexual intimacy, right? Sexual intimacy is being able to access a person's sexual parts in order to do the deed, right? But emotional intimacy, are we able to be vulnerable? Are we able to be honest? Are we able to, talk about our wants, our needs, our desires?

Like I was saying earlier, right? Are we paying attention to things like our alexithymia? How am I feeling? Can I be emotionally intimate if I can't name my emotions? The answer is yes. But there's workarounds that you have to learn how to institute and that kind of thing, right? So we go from emotional intimacy.

I'm safe. I feel cherished and loved by my partner And you know like yeah sex is a thing we could do or whatever and then that sexual stimuli happens Maybe it's your partner being like hey Maybe tonight we could you know Do a little something, right? Maybe it's seeing the spicy thing. Maybe it's reading or listening to some spicy audio.

Shout out to the people who are here for my OF. I do a lot of spicy audios on the internet. But either way, right? You get your, your sexual stimuli. And then from that comes that arousal. From that arousal comes desire. Because arousal and desire are two very different things. This is another thing.

We often say, I have boner, should want to fuck. And that's, you guys know. Right. you can get hard at school, at work, at a funeral, whatever. Right. That doesn't necessarily mean that you're raring to go. It just means that like, physiologically, that is the input that your body is receiving in this moment.

Right. So if the desire is there, right, if that intimacy, if that desire is there, then that goes back into the emotional and physical satisfaction. We have the sex, we do the deed, whatever. And then there are feelings. The, the resultant, again, you build emotional intimacy, et cetera, et cetera, and then the cycle repeats itself, so it's not this, it's a cycle, right?

one of the biggest things that, that people tend to get stressed out about when it comes to sex and intimacy is the idea of orgasm is the goal, right?

Orgasm is the goal. If I don't make my partner cum, I have failed. I have failed as a man. I have failed as a partner. And I'm here to tell you that that is not true. It's just not true. Okay? Sex and intimacy can be just for you with the willing consent of a partner. Right? You are allowed to take turns. You are allowed to have conversations that say, Hey, I'd really like to come tonight.

Is that something that you would be willing to facilitate with me? Right? And your partner would be like, yeah, sure. I can, I can throw you a BJ. I can throw you a handjob. I'm not up for sex right now, but like, let's make it happen. Captain, right? You have that option, but orgasm also doesn't necessarily have to be the.

goal. Again, when we talk about that idea of intimacy, there is that sexual intimacy where we are allowing someone access and they are allowing us access to their body, but there's also emotional intimacy. And so if the goal is closeness, if the goal is feeling loved or worshiped or, you know, like you're the fucking conquering hero, however you want to feel.

That's fine. Feel that way. But orgasm does not have to be the goal. at this point, I also like to talk about erectile dysfunction, which is something that is unfortunately really stigmatized in our culture, and it's not fair. 30 to 40 percent of men with ADHD experience erectile dysfunction, and I think the statistic on just like men as a whole, people with penises as a whole, 77%.

will at some point in their lifetime experience erectile dysfunction. an ADHD related executive dysfunction and self esteem issues can contribute to performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction, right? You're in your head. You're, you're dealing with task initiation and task switching. There is fundamentally no difference between making a sandwich and having sex in our brains, right? It is a series of tasks. You go to the refrigerator, you take out the bread, if you're weird and keep your bread in the refrigerator, I don't know, right? You get out the turkey, you get out the cheese, you get out the lettuce, you put the sandwich together, you get a clean plate, maybe you have to run the dishes, I don't know, I don't judge.

and you eat the sandwich. Sex is the same thing, right? It is a series of tasks. You go to the bedroom, you go talk to your partner, you get out the condoms, you get out the lube, you get out the toys, if you're a toy person, right? You set the lights, you set the mood. It is a series of tasks, right? And so when we're looking at sex as this like amorphous, amalgamous thing, this mysterious, like, how do I crack it, right?

It's so, so less useful than looking at it as just a series of tasks that we navigate through to get to the feels good, fun, fun part. Right? And so. Executive dysfunction is a huge, huge component in erectile dysfunction, and on top of that, unfortunately, and very unfair, I think, ADHD meds can also exacerbate the symptoms of erectile dysfunction.

it's a thing that many, many men in the community deal with, and it is something that doesn't get talked about a lot, which is one of the reasons why I love doing this work, because, I think it's important to talk about it. and with that is always the question, and I know I talked about this a little bit earlier.

But why are you having sex again? Right? So when we're talking about erectile dysfunction in particular, it's really useful to ask yourselves, why are you having sex?

What goal are you trying to achieve? Right? Going back to what I talked about earlier. Am I looking to feel held? Am I looking to feel loved? Am I looking to create intimacy with my partner? Does that intimacy have to be a goal? Sexual, can it be educational intimacy, right? There's like dozens of kinds of intimacy.

We can learn things together. We can experience something together. We can debate together. We can laugh together. We can cuddle together. We can wrestle together. We can do a ton of different stuff together that doesn't necessarily have to be sex in order to create and build on that foundation of emotional intimacy.

Now, the other thing is that there, if your partner comes to you and says, Hey, I sure would like an orgasm today. There are ways of facilitating orgasms that have nothing to do with P and V sex. And a lot of women, especially like we require clitoral stimulation in order to come. 

And so hands. Mouth, fingers, toys, all extremely viable and extremely useful tools in your toolbox for giving your partner that experience that they are looking for, while also saying like, Hey, this is a system that I'm going to use in order to support myself. That kind of thing. okay. 

So, and a couple of other frequently asked questions that I tend to get a lot. 

Is dealing with overstimulation and distraction during intimacy so that you can actually get and stay aroused. That can be so difficult. and how to communicate with your partner when you're overstimulated during intimacy and that you, you might need to switch, right?

strong touch versus heavy touch, gentle touch, scratching versus massage, like that kind of thing, right? There's a lot of different sensations that we can incorporate into intimacy. In order to have a pretty good time, right? but over stimulation and distracting are two things that really tend to impact the ADHD community.

The cheap, cheap joke that I say every single goddamn time I give this workshop is that my neighbor mows his lawn 17 times a week. for me that moment is precious, right? That moment of distraction, of the neighbor, like, starting his lawnmower, that might be enough to take me out of it.

Or like, a weird song comes on the Spotify playlist, and That might be enough to take me out of it. And so when we are aware of those things, right, we can also build strategies and systems that help us facilitate what I like to generally call the mood TM. If you know, That you get really, really distracted by the pile of laundry on the floor, because you feel stressed out.

You don't feel like you have a sexy, cool environment. It may be a situation where like, okay, well, let's address the laundry pile first. And then we can have sex. Or if you know, like, oh my gosh, it's going to bother me so much that the dinner dishes are still sitting out. We haven't loaded the dishwasher.

It is totally valid to look at your partner and say, Hey, actually I would love it. If we could get the kitchen cleaned up before we hop on over to the bedroom, right? You also don't have to use the bedroom. If your bedroom is a messy place, go for something a little bit more spontaneous. You can also like, you know, point of privilege in terms of being able to afford this, but like a lot of ADHD folks do what I like to call the clean room method.

Which is where you get a hotel room. Even if you live in town, you just get a hotel because now you have a little room, where it's all clean and everything's nice and organized and you don't have to think about anything and you can just like go and you can have like a spicy hookup with your partner. I love that.

I love those vibes, right? But making ourselves aware of those things and really breaking it down, really thinking it through, which is what this is for. How do I want to feel right now, right? Right now in this moment, my partner is looking at me and saying, I would love to have sex with you right now.

Let's do it. Let's go. How am I feeling? Do I, I want to feel relaxed. I want to feel sensual. I want to feel sexual. I want to feel all right. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like all of these different things. Right? is there a way that I can ask for that directly?

Right? Hey, I would like to feel held, right? I would like to feel, Like a, like, deep pressure, right? Are there ways, examples that I can show my partner? Like, hey, I've been watching this cool video on Shibari, or I've been watching, I've been reading this spicy book about like a, a kinky little game that maybe we could play, something like that.

Do I feel safe asking? Right? And then the obvious question, do they need more information? Are they a Shabari expert? Can we just jump into it? Should we maybe do a little bit of research? Do we, should we, do we need to talk about it more? How are we going to talk about it? What does that talk going to look like?

Right? But that how do I want to feel right now can also be really helpful for distractions, right? How do I want to feel right now? I want to feel focused. I want to feel in touch with my partner. I want to feel aligned with my partner. Why am I not? Like what is going on in my environment where I'm not?

Oh, the ceiling fan is clicking. Okay. my neighbor is mowing his lawn. Okay. So what can I do? What can I do about it? Can I throw on a blindfold so I don't have to look at the laundry piles? Can I put on some headphones and play some like really good, noise canceling headphones and put on some classical music so I can, just sort of be in my head and be with my partner and not have to listen to the lawnmower going?

That kind of thing. There are so many different ways to facilitate these needs, how do I need to feel in order to authentically and, successfully engage in this intimate experience? now speaking of that, if you're like, man, I would love to feel tied up right now, I would love to feel Like, I'm getting my salad tossed right now.

I don't know, whatever it might be, right? how do you discuss adding new things, whether it be a sexual act, whether it be toys, anything like that, in the bedroom, especially if you have ADHD, and you might deal with impulse control, you might deal with emotional dysregulation, you might get really flustered talking about stuff.

It's okay, I talk about sex online for my job, and I still get flustered talking about sex sometimes. Like, it's just, it's ingrained in our culture, and it's ingrained in our habit, and so I think it's important to take ownership of that, right? Like, you're not a bad person if sexual conversation, you just haven't had a lot of practice.

And so we gotta set ourselves up for success, right? 

so, this is my helpful guide. I have created for you a helpful guide of how to talk to your partner about, about doing new things in the bedroom. You ready? Here we go. number one, yes, in the car, going on a drive, yes, great time to talk. Going for a, for a jog with your best gal pal.

I thought the stock footage was truly a hilarious picture. Great. Go for a walk. Get some exercise. Lift your dumbbells. Whatever. You know what I mean? sitting on the couch. Maybe you're looking at some spicy content together and you're thinking, hmm, what is, like, hey, I saw this, like, little, little porno the other day.

What do you think about this? Can I show this to you? Sitting on the couch. We're having a good time. Here's where we're not going to. In the bedroom. Right before it happens. That is where we're not going to do that. That is where we're going to say no, forbidden, stop, don't do that. Why? A couple of reasons.

One, because we want to make sure that we're giving ourselves a safe space to do this, right? We want to make sure that we're having this conversation at a time when we are not feeling, particularly sexually desire y. in a shape or form, right? Because we want to make sure that our partner also has the opportunity to say yes, to say no safely, to make sure that they are, able to like research or look into things or like, Hmm, I don't actually know how I feel about.

I don't know fucking salad tossing like I want to think I think I need to think about it for a little bit right but if you're getting hot and heavy in the bedroom and you go surprise that's not that's not fun we're not going to do that to our partners okay so we're going to go for walks we're going to go for drives we're going to be sitting on the couch but we're not going to do it right before we're getting freaky in the bedroom really great way to facilitate this conversation is by using a yes no maybe list now there are yes no maybe lists It's all over the internet.

Some of them, are very, very, specific. And I will say graphic, and X rated. And some of them are a little more like vanilla, a little bit more just like tip of the iceberg, that kind of thing. but what they are, is they're a really great way to compare desires with your partner, right? They're a really good way to sort of facilitate these conversations without having to sit down and think of every possible sexual act that you could ever conceive of trying with your partner, right?

So your partner takes a copy, you take a copy, you both hit your yeses and your nos and your maybes, and you compare lists. And it may turn out that one of you really, really, or both of you really, really are into something that you just haven't been able to try. And so that creates a little working list for you in order to facilitate, better communication, and, add a little bit of spice, right?

and again, I always like to, and I'm gonna be really honest with you two gentlemen, is that I speak to more women than men, just as sort of a factor of who I am and, my expertise. and I, I want to. I'm choosing my words very carefully because this is a very meaningful thing to talk about.

There are a lot of people pleasers with ADHD, and most of them, many of them are women. and it is a result of the society in which we live and how women and men are socialized differently and the expectations and pressures that are put on men versus women, all of those kind of, kind of things, right?

Society. But one thing that can happen very easily is that, not all women, not just men, not all men, can say yes when they mean no, and it's really important that you, as a person with ADHD, who may be encountering other people with ADHD, know that and understand it. And so if you say yes, when you actually mean, you know, I need more time to think, or I need more information, or can you be more specific, or actually that sounds terrible, but I really want you to like me, it's not honest.

It's, you cannot foster a healthy, fulfilling relationship when you lean on rejection sensitivity in order to ease those feelings of people pleasing. And so one thing that you can do if you are a people pleaser, it's something to work on, right? It is something that we need to just flex that saying no muscle.

We need to be able to advocate for ourselves, create systems and structures in which we can advocate for themselves. But also as men. You have a really beautiful opportunity to be a safe person. You have the ability to know this about women, especially women with ADHD, and make sure that you're double checking.

Make sure that you are saying, are you sure? Is that, an enthusiastic yes? What does an enthusiast look like? You know, all of these different things, but it's a really good way of not only protecting your partner, but it's a really beautiful opportunity to spread these ideals through the ADHD community and make it.

less likely that people are going to get hurt or are going to get, you know, sexually assaulted and those kinds of things, because those statistics exist for a reason. And a lot of it is because of that people pleasing component. And so that's just something that I like to bring up. 

question six, what do I do about aftercare?

What is aftercare? What, what, what's that? What do I need it? Aftercare is basically, it's just right there. It's just a little compound word that says exactly what it means. Aftercare is, whatever, you need to do after you have done the deed in order to feel cared for and loved. This may change, right? there, there's sort of this misnomer in the sort of like sexual education community that aftercare is just for kink.

Only the kinkies use aftercare. But no, aftercare can be for anything. Even sometimes, just like, the example I always use is like, you have a big presentation at work, right? You're really stressed about it, you've been working on it for weeks, the day finally comes, you get home, and you're just emotionally and physically exhausted because this big thing finally happened.

That's a great time to use aftercare. That's a great time to say, hey, I need a little bit of extra love. I need a little bit of affirmations. can we order my favorite takeout, whatever it may be. but aftercare during sex, again, especially for neurodivergent brains is, I think, a vital part of the process. Also like aftercare checklists where you can sort of check in and say, Hey, I like water or like chocolate or like a fuzzy blanket or like whatever it is that you may prefer, but making sure that you, that I don't want to say treat, but making sure that you address those, emotional concerns, that emotional regulation component, because sex can be incredibly dysregulating.

That's another thing that we really don't talk about a lot. Having sex can be incredibly dysregulating, right? It's sensory, it's physical, it's emotional. there's like this task initiation part of it, and then we're switching tasks, and we're doing different stuff at different times, and ah, it's a lot.

And so taking a moment outside of that to reconnect with your partner and say, Hey, we're going to do this safely. I'm going to make sure that everybody, I'm doing this because I like having my hair stroked. So that's just like me, that's me giving myself aftercare. Like, Hey, you know, you did a good job.

This is all right. You know, chilling out together, emotionally regulating together. That again is going to build that emotional intimacy component that I have been talking about. There are, oh this is another one I was talking about, the, yes, no, maybe list that's a little bit spicier, a little bit kinkier, you got options, so just look around for the one that feels right for you.

and if I timed this, god damn, I crushed that. I absolutely crushed that. it is 4. 58. I got done two minutes early. but I would love to open it up for questions, comments, opinions. Whatever you got, I'm happy to take questions. or if you just want to sit there and stun silent, because I just info dumped at you for an hour, that's also fine too.

It's up to you. 

You are a rock star. I've got to tell you this. This is awesome. Thanks! I was really 

nervous. I was like, I always get really nervous that everybody's gonna be like, Boo! We know all this already! But I hope that you at least got something useful out of it. 

Alright, if y'all have any questions, go ahead and throw them in the chats. 

I just Some of the things that you mentioned, we actually already had the questions coming at me and I was just like, Oh, she just answered that question. Oh, she just answered that question. so I'm actually going to start with one though, that kind of has come up in the group a little bit and you know, well, actually there's two of them.

There's people who talk about that. They want to talk to their wives about not necessarily wanting to cheat, but they're bored and they don't know how to kind of bring that up without causing their spouses to feel Rejection sensitivity, because we know how that feels.

Yeah. 

How do they communicate that they are bored, but not with their partner, but with just wanting new? The novelty, the interesting things, the kink, or the, you know, things like that. 

I think the first thing that I would do is caution anyone from using the word bored with their wife. Don't do that.

That's no good. Don't do that. Right? But what we can do is we can facilitate open and honest communication about our needs. Right? and we can say like, hey, there's this really kinky part of me that I've really been wanting to explore. Or, hey, there's this part of me that I don't know, needs to get spanked or whatever you might be into.

Right? And then that becomes a conversation. Step one conversation with your partner. Is that something that you are interested in? Is that something that we could potentially explore together? Is that something that you feel safe and okay doing? And if the answer is yes, then great! You get to share a cool new experience with your partner and maybe, you know, feel a little bit of that newness without having to open up the relationship.

Now, if the person Has every right to say no, no, thank you. and so if they do that, then broaching the conversation of opening the relationship. I am like an ethically non monogamous person. I talk about it a lot on the Internet. So not trying to get anybody to join my team.

but it can be incredibly useful for ADHD folks, as a means of facilitating. There are a lot of different ways to facilitate that conversation. the way that you do it is really going to be up to you and your partner. I've had people, you know, schedule meetings with therapists and mediators and that kind of thing.

I've heard of people just watching some show and they're like, Oh, a throuple, that'd be kind of cool. Right. And then that's, The entire conversation. so what works for one person may not work for you. but there is validity, I think, to having multiple partners. I do need to couch that with saying that having ADHD is not an excuse to cheat on anyone.

Having ADHD is not a reason to hurt or harm anyone. ADHD as your excuse to go and, hook up with a bunch of people outside of your partner's knowledge and consent, that is wildly unethical. So we need to make sure that we're having these conversations ethically and consensually, because if everybody's on board, a relationship is defined by the people who are in it, right?

if Society says, like, man, woman, married, two children, like, that is the only way to have a, you know, authentic relationship or whatever. But no, like, you can have ten partners, as long as everybody is on board and everybody is consensual, and everything is negotiated, then do what you want to do, is kind of my opinion.

I don't know if that's an answer, I actually kind of want to add to this, because as somebody who's been in that lifestyle before, One of the things for me to really be able to explain to people is look at your past relationships. If you're the, you know, like many of us out there with ADHD, if you bounce from relationship to relationship to relationship after, you know, six months or eight months and stuff like that, And you can work through the introspection and the self reflection and any jealousy and rejection issues that you may have.

Ethical non monogamy has a lot of different variations of it. There's like polyamory, there's don't ask, don't tells, there's, Like these gigantic, polycules that where everybody involved has like secondary and tertiary relationships. There's a lot of variation to, Ethical Non Monogamy that could fit your lifestyle.

Especially if you do deal with jealousy or if you do deal with rejection sensitivity. If it's something where you or your partner don't have to explain explicitly, I'm going out with X, Y, Z person. It's just, Hey, I'm going out for the night. And that's the code for, I'm going to go see my boyfriend. I'm going to go see my girlfriend.

I'm going to go see my kink master. Right? And this is one of those other things that we may fall into traps. And you mentioned this earlier. You may have trauma around certain acts that you're not comfortable with. For me, it's violence. It's, spanking. Sometimes my brain will lock up when I'm in that situation, and it has in the past in past relationships, where I had a girlfriend who was like, to.

Beat me and I'm like, I actually can't. My father and my mom, he was abusive to her and me. You've gotta have that conversation because you may have trauma and if you get through it, you may be to be able to be that person for your spouse, but if not, you may not be able to be that person or for them and they may need that outside the relationship.

And this is where ethical monogamy can kind of get really interesting 'cause dom sub relationships don't necessarily have to be sex. It's intimacy and it's that space, but not necessarily penetrative or things of that nature kind of sex. It could just be a huge spanking session or, really great kink session where you're doing the things that you enjoy doing, but not necessarily in that realm.

So, work through that. Remy, what do you got, boss? 

so there are two questions that I'm typing out, but I actually do want to mention, sorry, let me try to find it. So this was C's question. he mentioned that self esteem issues are very common with people with ADHD, and that some people with ADHD tend to get validation from sex, and he wanted to know if you thought that was something healthy.

your overall thoughts on that kind of interplay 

A lot of people with ADHD do deal with self esteem issues. Like, there's all of these studies about how kids with ADHD get like 9000 more negative messages about themselves by the time that they're like 10. Like, it's crazy.

And so that self esteem component sort of comes baked into ADHD. And it's interesting that you pointed out that sort of validation that we get from sex because it is a slippery slope, because that's a thing. Right? Like you are allowed to be a sexually empowered person. Like you are allowed to go out and feel hot and feel sexy and, and, consensually and ethically have sex with the people that you want to have sex with.

Like that is totally allowed, but when it becomes the therapeutic modality by which you are developing and establishing all of your self esteem, that's when it gets dangerous, right? Because that's when you might turn into like a serial hookup. person it you might become someone who is using other people for sex like are you less interested are you interested in sharing a connection with that person or are you interested in how having sex makes you feel powerful that kind of thing right so it's important to really Unpack and be honest and be vulnerable with yourself about not only the means by which you are achieving that, but also whether or not you are doing so in a way that is using or harming other people in the process.

I don't have a definitive answer, and there's no, like, board of people to tell you, like, when is it a problem or when it's not, but if you recognize patterns that are focused on, finding as many people as you can, or just, Collecting numbers or, getting your body count as high as you can, cause that makes you feel good.

That might be a point where you might want to consider breaking it down a little bit more, going to therapy, taking some time to reflect on the whys and hows of that, sexual power and how it's affecting you in your life, I think is my answer.

All right, Remy, did you have 

a question? 

So, two quick ones. one, how can we not let our tendency for agreeableness outweigh the desire for sex? Is one. So I guess I can start with that one. 

Sorry, can you say it again? 

Sure. So, as you mentioned earlier, that people with ADHD tend to be very agreeable and kind of low key, or not low key, but relaxed, kind of go with the flow.

how can we prevent that from outweighing our desire for, obviously, consensual, but our desire for sex and that kind of intimacy? 

That's a really good question, and I think one of the interesting things that happens when we talk about sex is we're really talking about 300 different kinds of sex, right, like are we talking about like I just go on, you know, Tinder or whatever it is now, and I just swipe right on everybody and then just hope that at the end of the day I can get a hookup because I would like to have an orgasm, Or is it that I'm coming home to my wife of 50 years and, you know, we're having struggle with like libido issues as we age.

Right. So there's like a lot of differential in the sexual spectrum when it comes to like purpose, I guess, is, is one word that I would use, but also just like the how and the whys of the conversation that we're having. if our, agreeableness is coming at the expense of denying ourselves, right?

Like if our partner is constantly saying like, no, not tonight, I have a headache. No, thank you, whatever. And we're like, yeah, okay, that's fine. But then it's actually been like eight months and no, it's not actually fine. That's a moment I think to sort of have, one of those really honest conversations with yourself and say, my denial of my needs is now affecting my quality of life.

It is impacting the way that I am operating and moving through this relationship, right? if it is a matter of, you know, the guy that I met on Tinder last night wants to do this, like, weird thing and I'm not, like, super into it, that's, like, a different conversation, you know, with the, can, I think, be a little bit more direct, a little bit more casual, but it's a really common problem.

It's a really, really common problem of, because we go through phases, right? Like, does it, like, what a There's like I said earlier, there's no board, but there really is. There's no board. There's no like, you know, academy of libido who looks at you and says you are the right amount of of horny for a regular person, right?

And then the next guy comes up. They're like, you're not horny enough, sir. You're gonna have to up those numbers, right? It is when we talk about libido. We are only. Talking about ourselves and what our general baseline is, but our baseline is going to shift and change due to a ton of different factors.

Like what do we have going on at work? What are what do we have going on in our personal lives? Has there been a loss or a move or a major change, right? Are we stressed about money? Are we, you know, are what age are our children, right? All of these things are going to impact our Our singular, not our partner's, but our, me, singular, I, response to desire.

And it is totally possible for two people to love each other and be, you know, in a fiercely committed and dedicated relationship, but have those moments be just passing each other constantly. And so that becomes the, my agreeableness in, in being fine with it is impacting my sense of intimacy and my, my sense of closeness with my partner.

So how do we close those gaps? How do we find those moments, those little tiny, those little tiny moments of intimacy and build into a better experience? Your results may vary, but that is at least a place to begin talking about 

Thank you, I think that's a really great answer. and hopefully that was helpful to you other people, on the call tonight.

I know Shane had a question, so I want to now pass it over to him. 

Thanks Rumi. So, another question that's kind of come up a couple of different ways. 

How do you deal with partners who may or may not be ADHD and trying to explain to them your differences in sexual, in like hypersexuality or asexuality or graysexual, for those who don't know, graysexual is kind of like sex is great when it's with A new person or a person who really interests you but outside of that, nah, not really.

So how do you find that balance with a partner who may be hypersexual but you're not, or vice versa? 

one of the hardest parts of my job is that 98 percent of every answer to every question is you're gonna have to talk about it. and this is really a case, right?

Like, hypersexuality is incredibly common. folks with ADHD tend to sort of split right down the middle. There are a lot of folks who are hyposexual and sex and intimacy is not like a huge priority. And then there are some people, to whom sex and intimacy is like a stimulating, like sex is a stim, right?

Sex is just a stim. And so it is a dopamine and serotonin fueled, activity. And so there are a lot of people who do experience hypersexuality and there are people who are going to sort of run that gamut, right? Like when I was in college, I was very much on the hyper sexual spectrum. And as I've gotten older and my body has changed, I'm more on the hypo, right?

So we can navigate those. Those at different times in our lives as well. yeah. So, I'm very much on the the hyposexual side of things, and I've been that way for a long time, because I found so much more Gratification in the, the intimacy and things of that nature. And then the rarity of it is kind of a wonky.

Now, me and my wife, we had to communicate that because. She has got a perfectly normal libido, and she has some things that she enjoys doing that I'm just not a big fan of. Not because there's anything wrong with them, it's just not my cup of tea. And we just had to have a conversation about it. And we just had to figure out where we sit.

And actually, I shared a link to a Yes, No, Maybe quiz. 

I need to make one. 

Everybody always 

asks if I have one, and I'm like, I should just have one, but I always use Sunny Megatron, because she's a good friend of mine, and hers is great, 

Yep. so, find out. Figure out where y'all do, align. You know, add a couple questions, like, how often would you like to have sex? And if that aligns, cool. But I want to add another thing. If sex is a huge thing for you, And it's not for your partner and y'all can't find a good balance there. The relationship may not be able to work out.

Maybe not build up a whole lot of, um, anger and resentment because your partner isn't doing the thing that you need them to do, the relationship may not be a good fit. Let's be honest about it. But if the relationship is really great in every other aspect, again, this kind of goes back and I think, I don't want to, I'm looking at like Cate, Cate right now.

I don't want to sit here and get everybody on the Escalon. that may be an option that you need to look at and see if that's something that fits. 

Yeah, I mean, the reality is, that's like a really good point, Shane, like, the reality is, is that there are just some relationships that aren't going to work out, like, and those are, that's kind of like the not fun component piece of this conversation, like, I think somebody else in the chat had a question about like, what if my partner can't accept a no, and that's sort of a, red flag that I raise, and I say, That's a situation where that, that relationship, those issues are going to take a specific type of work in order to work out.

If sex is hugely important to you, if you are a hypersexual person who wants sex all the time and you are with a partner who is demi graysexual, that kind of thing. It may not be a viable relationship. And that sucks. The thing to keep in mind is that as you make those decisions, making them without anger, without resentment, without that like, well, you never, you know, I always, you never, like those kinds of statements aren't going to help.

and so approaching with curiosity and compassion and saying, how can we bridge this gap? Is there a way, like if your partner is adamantly like, no, I would never open my relationship or if you're a person who's staying here going like, Ew, weird, I would never be poly. That's totally valid. That is a totally valid thing.

So then it becomes about, okay, how do we navigate through this relationship and either decide to let it go healthily and with compassion? Or can it be changed? Can it be repaired? Can we find a way to repair that resentment and, and guilt and anger, like those kinds of things? there's no one size fits all.

Problem I wish that there was I wish that there was just like a do this and you'll be fine But yeah, sometimes relationships aren't gonna work out and that sucks, but it's also part of being human I think 

so the one size fits all answer on that question is communicate Yeah. Communication, communication.

Everything is always going to turn back into communication somewhere. 

It feels like such a cop out to be like, have you considered talking about it? But I will say this though, this is a really interesting experiment that all of you can do as you go home tonight. Go home and ask your partner, if I told you to clean the kitchen, what would you do?

Like specifically give me the list of tasks because what you will find out and and invariably across the board is that clean means things to different people, right? So when I say clean the kitchen, I mean, I am doing all of the dishes. I am scrubbing out the sink. I am sweeping the floor. I am. Steaming, I'm disinfecting, I'm mopping, whatever, right?

That, to me, is cleaning the kitchen. For my partner, it might be as simple as like, Oh, there was some trash on the counter and I threw it away. Or like, Oh, there was some smutch, so I got rid of the smutch, right? having really specific conversations about communication can feel very weird at first. First, but there it's incredibly powerful tool.

What does clean meet you? What does intimacy mean to you? What does sex mean to you? What does it mean? If I tell you, like, what do you think I mean when I say I want to be intimate? Are we falling into like the same kind of like, All right, like, we make out, and then we do some missionary, and then we do it doggie style, and then you blow me, and then I cum, and then the sex is over, and like, that's the form that we're, we've, you know, right?

If it's predictable, if there are things that can be communicated through and about, Sometimes it's not like, Oh, your relationship is doomed. Sometimes it's just, we've never actually sat and talked about what clean means to us. And so resentment has been building for 30 years because I thought you knew that I meant that I wanted you to sweep the floor and you thought I meant that you were going to clean out the refrigerator.

Just two different conversations happening and no one is really at fault. 

This actually happened to me and my wife because I had an idea of what intimacy meant and intimacy to me meant. The precursor to sex, right? It's like, we're supposed to, it's foreplay. That's what my brain always said. Intimacy was, and my wife was like, no, I just want you to cuddle me and, you know, rub my shoulders or rub my feet.

That's intimacy. I'm like, Oh, that's what I do. 

Yeah. Oh, and this is a good thing to mention too, that a lot of people, fall into the trap of only ever engaging in intimacy when they want sex. So that cuddle only ever comes if they're looking to get laid at the end of the night. The back rub only comes if they're trying to, have it lead to a little bit more.

what that can lead to is your partner beginning to mistrust intimacy. Because now there's like, not like a cost to it, but it's transactional, right? Like, I give you the backrub you put out, or I cuddle with you, and that's my signal that now you're expected to have sex with me.

And so really Investigating your own activities and saying, am I cuddling my wife just on a random Tuesday without any expectation? Am I engaging in small moments of intimacy? Am I making her feel loved and appreciated and beautiful when she's just standing in the kitchen? Am I kissing her? Am I making out with her not because I want it to lead to anything, but because that is how we build intimacy with each other?

That's a really important thing to interrogate. as well. And we see that a lot though. There's a phenomenon that happens, especially in like older women where touch becomes something that they're actually reactionary to. And it is because of years of this, like, well, I'm only going to slide in for the cuddle when I want sex.

being cognizant of that and noticing those patterns that you might be engaging in, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong. But making it casual, simple, comfortable intimacy, just a regular part of your relationship can be so, so much more powerful than even having, you know, like 12 hours of conversation about like, what does clean mean?

But that's just something that I like to note as well. 

Excellent. we have another question. I think this is super valuable. 

any tips on separating past traumatic experience from the past to make sex life healthy and enjoyable? Just making your brain somehow block out the bad to make that full experience possible.

Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of different ways of going about that. the first one is therapy. Like, number one, that is the job of therapy, and that may be something that especially like a sex therapist can help you with, especially if it's like a profound amount of trauma. if it is something where, I'm trying to think of like a really good example, like let's say your partner really likes I'm just gonna say tickling.

Like your partner really likes tickling and you have had terrible childhood experiences with tickling. there's also a component of starting off really slow, right? Like, are you, am I comfortable just being touched here? Right? What happens if you touch me a little bit more? also for a lot of folks like sensory stuff, 

Especially the combo platter of ADHD and autism, sensory stuff can be a big issue. and so sometimes it's just a thing of like, I will enthusiastically consent to you making out with me or going down on me for 30 seconds and then we're going to stop. And I'm going to literally set a timer because that's all that my brain can handle before I get over stimulated, but go to 30 seconds.

You can set limits. You can set boundaries. You can have really specifically negotiated conversations about the how's and the when's that is going to make you feel safe. So if your partner's like, I'm going to tickle you. Okay. Well, where, how long for like what duration, right? Like how long am I going to be sitting here getting tickled?

15 minutes, an hour. What? Or like, Hey, can I tickle you on your wrist for 10 seconds? Because I like the way that your soft skin feels. Yeah. Great. Sure. Do that. That sounds fine. really specifically negotiating. To the point where you feel safe and healthy and okay proceeding with the activity, coupled with therapy, sex therapy, getting past those sort of like bad things, because you never want to endure, right?

You never want to suffer. You never want to have to lay back and think of England, because you don't want to hurt your partner's feelings. If you are Uncomfortable, if you are feeling unsafe, if you are feeling unheard, if you are feeling unseen, all of those things are just as valid for you all as they are for your partner.

And so that communication component of You know, have you considered talking? I need to just like a button that says, have you considered talking about it? But in this case, really, and specifically setting specific boundaries, specific goals, specific negotiations, that's a really good way to keep yourself safe while you are working through those brain gremlins that are making those associations feel bad, if that makes sense.

Excellent. Yeah, I was going to say like the therapy was the big one for me, right? Once I started going through their therapy and I started getting around that mindset of consenting, sexual play doesn't have to trigger mental and physical abuse when I was a kid, right? Yeah, exactly. And I had to work and I had to work through it and I had to work through it.

And honestly, the best advice I got. Was from a submissive that I met at a kink party and she was like, I'm the one in charge And that blew my mind. I'm like, but you're the submissive and she was like, no, I say stop. He stops. That's it I'm the one in charge I control because we have a safe word that we communicated with each other before and when he hears it It's over and if he doesn't red flag, he gets kicked out And that's where it really registered for me.

Remy, you had one more question and then we're actually gonna wrap it up for the night y'all. 

Sounds good. so it seems like you're going back to the wheel, or the circle that you mentioned with different person of intimacy. it seems like actually. I'm pretty good at creating emotional intimacy to the point where there are a few instances where I'm talking to people, where I think if only this was a woman I was attracted to and not some guy at a bar, so Granton.

I know a lot of that probably is about putting in the hours and putting myself in those situations, but how can people who maybe are good at creating those deep emotional connections with people parlay that into creating physical intimacy in more of a romantic context?

That's a really good question. 

I have a million thoughts Galaxy braining in my mind, but I also just looked at the clock and was like, ah shit two minutes. I mean I would again physical intimacy Can be like instigating, like you meet somebody cool at a bar and you're like, Hey, like, right, like physical intimacy can be challenging, right?

Because you don't want to assault that person. You don't want to, like, make them uncomfortable. And so there, there is a sort of give and take to it, right? There is that like element of like, oh, maybe you touch their arm a little bit, see how they respond. But there is also justice value, like as valid to be like, I would like to kiss you now.

How do you feel about that? Like, would you be alright if we, went and made out a little bit, whatever, however you want to ask, whatever you want to ask for, but I have found, and this may shock you, but talking about it, communicating directly, even in the instigation of Physical contact can be really helpful, especially for neurodivergent brains, because then you know that you are for sure not missing a social cue for sure they are consenting and enthusiastic and excited.

And even if it's just like a sexy little thing at first, like, oh, you have kind of a, and then you pause, you wait, and then if she doesn't go. Right? That you can give her the little, you can give her the little, right? That's cute, that's fun, that's non threatening.

Stuff like that, right? These, like, little physical moments. Um, but yeah, I think just being honest with it. I feel like there's so much of this narrative with, relationships and intimacy that it's, you have to be a mind reader, right? Like, you have to, somehow, , if I want, if you like the one that women hear all the time is like if he wanted to he would and I'm here to tell you that's bullshit.

Like, it's just bullshit, right? How do you know? How do you know that she wants flowers? How do you know that she likes to have her hair tucked behind her ear? How do you know that she likes it when you, touch her on the small of her back or whatever it may be? You have to talk about it. Right? You have to talk about it.

You have to ask. You have to talk about it. How do you like to be touched? Where do you like to be touched? Somebody else in the chat, talked about, communicating trauma, right? Where do you not like to be touched? I hate it. I hate it when people touch my stomach. It's just like a self conscious thing, right?

So, hey, I would love to go hang out with you, Remy. But, could you just, not here? anywhere else is totally fine. But, here, I'm not super comfy. Maybe we can work out to it, right? so that kind of thing. Those conversations. Super valid. Talk about it. Poof. Then I just disappeared.

Excellent. I want to say thank you, Cate, for coming. thank you for interacting with us and being a part of this. for the rest of y'all, if you, are interested in giving a little bit more, and you found a lot of value to this, please feel free to click the link, and it'll also be in the doobly doo in the YouTube when we do the thing. And also, if y'all are interested in really finding a lot more about Cate and all of the things that she does, There are her links as well, and they'll also be in the doobly doo below.

I also suggest that y'all follow her on her Instagram, and really track all the content that she has, because there's some really great stuff. And it goes so much further than what she's given us today. And so I just really want to thank everyone for coming, and Cate, thank you so much, and thank you, all of you, for the great questions.

When you stump our experts, we appreciate it. can I, is it okay if I show really quick for like two seconds? 

1000 percent go for it. 

Number one, please feel free to pre order my book. If you search my name on any bookstore website in the world, it'll come up, which is very exciting. And also, like I said earlier, I do have a podcast.

It's called Sorry I Missed This, and it is specifically about ADHD and how it impacts relationships, intimacy, and communication. it is geared towards women. It is by and for women with ADHD, but if you have partners. If you have friends, if you have daughters, it's a really good, I'm really, really proud of it.

I would love it if you went and give it a little bit of love. and also if you would follow me on YouTube, cause I'm trying to build up my audience over there. I am going to drop a new long form video. I think hopefully this week, if the timing works out, about ADHD and autism diagnosis. but yeah, so if you want to check out my content, I'm Katiasaurus everywhere.

you can also email me Cate@catiosaurus.Com. if you have any follow up questions that you don't feel like asking in front of the group, I'm always happy to answer them and send resources as I find them. But thank you so much for having me. I really, really appreciate it. 

Thank you everyone. Y'all have a great day.

Peace out. 

Bye.